He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
