Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
