i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I cannot find my penis.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
