The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
