1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
