Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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