he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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