Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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