I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
