I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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