I cockslap morals
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
