I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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