I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
