He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
