i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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