Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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