Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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