I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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