Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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