Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
