my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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