I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
