omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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