I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Come see our sink grown plant.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
How does it feel to date your dad?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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