Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
