I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
In other news, I just burned my penis
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
