Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
