3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
