After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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