Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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