Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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