I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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