I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
