Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
