some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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