So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
