New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
