i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
