Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
