I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
