she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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