The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
