Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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