I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
That's when you crack a 10am beer
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
