well you can't waste a boner
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
