I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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