Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
