Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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