You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
