you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
