umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize