The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
We named our party play list daddy issues
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
