They should really pass out barf bags in church
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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