Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
