just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
