Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
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