Please, let me fuck your mom
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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