my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
