i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize