I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
