This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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