dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
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