Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
